The “Angry Mom” Trap

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Finding Patience When the Homeschool Day Implodes

By Tricia Goyer

It wasn’t the long division. Honestly, it’s rarely actually about the math problem, or the messy handwriting, or the fact that someone lost their shoes again five minutes before we need to leave for co-op.

It was a Tuesday. The toddler had just “painted” the dining room chairs with yogurt. My writing deadline was looming like a dark cloud. And there sat my middle child, staring at the ceiling, spinning a pencil, humming a tune, doing absolutely anything except the worksheet in front of her.

I felt the heat rising up the back of my neck. My jaw clenched. The pressure cooker in my chest was whistling. And then, I erupted.

It wasn’t a gentle correction. It was the “Angry Mom” voice that I promised myself I wouldn’t use today.

The silence that followed was deafening. The look in my child’s eyes. It was a mix of surprise and hurt. And it pierced my heart faster than any arrow. 

I tossed the math book on the table, muttered something about “figuring it out yourself,” and retreated to my sanctuary: under my bedroom comforter. As I laid under the duvet, I put my face in my hands, and wept.

Lord, I am ruining them. I am not cut out for this. Surely there is a mom out there with more patience, more gentle tones, more… goodness than I have.

Can you relate, friend?

I remember feeling this exact overwhelming weight while I was actually writing my book, Calming Angry Kids. It felt ridiculously hypocritical to type chapters on patience and regulation when I had just snapped at a child for spilling milk ten minutes earlier.

But as I dove deep into that topic for the book, God hit me with a hard truth that changed how I view these hard homeschool days: my anger wasn’t just about the spilled milk or the unfinished math.

Understanding the Trap

The trap isn’t getting angry. Anger is a human emotion, often signaling that a boundary has been crossed. The trap is believing the lie that this anger defines us as mothers.

In Calming Angry Kids, I explored the concept that anger is often a “secondary emotion.” It’s the fiery, loud reaction to a deeper, quieter feeling that we are afraid to admit. The top three are fear, hurt, or frustration.

On that Tuesday, curled up on my bed, I realized I wasn’t just mad about long division. I was afraid. I was afraid my child was falling behind. I was frustrated that I couldn’t balance my work and their schooling. I was hurt that my efforts didn’t seem to be appreciated.

My anger was a shield protecting my own sense of inadequacy.

I used to think patience was a personality trait that some moms were lucky enough to be born with. But God has gently shown me over twenty-five years of parenting that patience isn’t a trait. Instead, it’s a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). That means I can’t manufacture it with willpower or caffeine.

If you feel stuck in the cycle of yelling and guilt today, here are three practical ways I’ve learned to hit the reset button, drawing on principles I had to learn the hard way.

1. The “Pause Button” (Regulate Yourself First)

When I felt that heat rising up my neck that Tuesday, I should have moved my feet before I opened my mouth.

We have to regulate ourselves before we can expect our immature children to regulate themselves. As I shared in the book, “A calm parent is the best antidote to an angry child.”

If you feel the roar coming, physically leave the room. It’s okay to say, “Mommy is feeling very frustrated right now, and I need a timeout so I don’t say something mean.” Go to the bathroom. Splash cold water on your face. Whisper a desperate, “Jesus, help.”

Even sixty seconds of physical distance can be enough to lower your adrenaline and allow the Holy Spirit to intercede. We cannot disciple our children’s hearts when our own hearts are in chaos.

2. Ditch the “Perfect Day” Idol

Often, my anger stems from a loss of control. I have a plan in my head for how the homeschool day should go, and when my children—who are living, breathing humans with their own wills and struggles—don’t adhere to my script, I panic.

We often sacrifice relationships on the altar of “getting things done.” In Calming Angry Kids, I shared many stories of times I had to choose between being “right” (forcing compliance) and being connected.

If a subject is causing daily tears and battles, close the book. Seriously. The relationship with your child is infinitely more important than finishing page 42 today. Sometimes, the most productive thing you can do for your homeschool is to stop schooling and start connecting.

3. The Humble Repair

This is the hardest part, but it’s also where the real ministry happens. It is the vital “reset button”Ie talk about in the book—restoring the relationship after a rupture.

After my bedroom cry that Tuesday, I washed my face. I walked back to the dining room table where my child was still sitting, looking dejected.

I pulled up a chair and knelt down to her eye level. “Sweetie,” I said, my voice shaky. “I was wrong to yell at you like that. I am feeling overwhelmed with work and the messy house, but that is not your fault. It’s not okay for me to take it out on you. Will you forgive me?”

Thankfully she did.

Our kids don’t need a perfect mom who never messes up. They need a mom who models what repentance looks like. They need to see us bring our sins to the foot of the Cross, just like we teach them to do.

Mama, don’t let the enemy use a bad moment, or even a bad week, to convince you that you are failing. The laundry, the lessons, the emotional outbursts … it wears us down. But God’s grace is sufficient for the weary homeschool mom. Take a deep breath. Tomorrow morning His mercies are new.

You are loved,

Tricia

For the Parent Who Is Tired of the Yelling

Is Anger Running Your Home? There Is Hope for a Calmer, More Connected Family.

Let’s be honest: parenting is hard. And parenting a child with chronic anger can feel impossible. The slammed doors, the daily meltdowns, the walking on eggshells—it leaves you exhausted, frustrated, and wondering if you’re failing.

You are not alone, and there is a better way.

In Calming Angry Kids: Help and Hope for Parents in the Whirlwind, author and mom of ten Tricia Goyer gets real about the struggle. Drawing from her own experience parenting children from hard places, she doesn’t offer simple fixes or guilt trips. Instead, she gives you a practical, grace-filled roadmap to peace.

This isn’t just another parenting book. It’s a lifeline that will help you:

• Understand the “Why”: Discover what’s really going on in your child’s brain when they explode.
• Stop the Cycle: Learn how to identify triggers and intervene before a meltdown begins.
• Connect Before You Correct: Shift your focus from enforcing rules to building a relationship that heals.
• Regulate Yourself: Find practical ways to control your own anger so you can be the calm center your child needs.
• Teach Life Skills: Equip your kids with the tools to recognize and handle their big emotions in healthy ways.

With reflection questions and actionable steps in every chapter, Calming Angry Kids goes beyond theory to give you real-world strategies you can use today.

Stop just surviving the outbursts. Start building a home filled with peace, understanding, and connection. Pick up your copy of Calming Angry Kids and take the first step toward a calmer family today.

For the Believer Who Wants to Live Out God’s Word

Don’t Just Read the Bible. Live It. Every Single Day.

You want to connect with God’s Word. You want to understand what it means. But more than anything, you want to know: How does this apply to my actual life? My job? My family? My struggles right now?

If you’ve ever closed your Bible feeling inspired but unsure of what to do next, The One Year Life Application Bible is for you.

This isn’t just a reading plan; it’s a daily guide to transformation. Combining the beloved format of The One Year Bible (daily readings from the Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs) with the profound insights of the #1-selling Life Application Study Bible, it’s designed to help you not just know God’s Word, but do it.

Here’s what makes it the ultimate tool for daily growth:

• Daily Wisdom in 15 Minutes: Read through the entire Bible in one year with manageable, engaging daily selections.
• Apply It to Your Life: Thousands of Life Application notes help you understand the context of a passage and give you practical, actionable steps to apply its truth to your personal circumstances today.
• Go Deeper: Explore character profiles of key Bible figures to learn from their lives, and use maps and charts to visualize the story.
• Clear & Understandable: Available in translations like the New Living Translation (NLT), making God’s message clear and accessible.

Imagine ending each year having read the whole Bible and knowing exactly how to live out its truths in your daily walk.

Make this your year of transformation. Get The One Year Life Application Bible and discover the power of God’s Word applied to your real life, every day.

Go Deeper:

…Calming Angry Kids (and Moms!) with Tricia Goyer – Joanna Weaver …

This link is to a podcast episode featuring Tricia Goyer discussing her book “Calming Angry Kids.” Go deeper with this episode to learn more about the book and to gain tools!